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MUSINGS

Meandering thoughts………..

Month

May 2014

Love in a tear drop……

tearsI used to laugh when people say

love is pain it makes you pay.

I wake  up with the thoughts of him

and my eyes on its own accord brim

Heart flutters as it recognised

that this love is not desired

gazing at the stars over our shoulders

we sat on the boulders

  looking at the pearly white moon

even a cup of poison would have been a boon

with steps that matched we walked

only to part at the forked path

Sakhe why did you come into my life?

To leave it barren and my emotions in strife

If only I could gather all the love that I  feel for you

in a tear drop and caste away like the early morning dew

My sakhe 

If only I could gather all the love that feel for you

in a tear drop and caste away like the early morning dew

Kavini

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ON WEIGHT REDUCTION

weight reductionReduce your weight my love

the dresses used to fit you like glove

now you wear potato sack

no need to have a six pack.

Oh those yummy aloo parathas and mutter panneer

with the lip smacking scrumptious kheer.

I went jogging

came back gasping

those torturous tumbles

on the way to the gym my feet stumble

eat a vegetable snack

for your lunch also pack.

Should I torture myself

to look like an elf?

Kavini

 

 

 

 

 

 

A PIERROT

Quite was her life

as the still night

as the still daffodils

even during the stormy night–but

the fancy came by

she was not more than the weeds

swaying in the gentle breeze–

the breeze doesn’t last longer and 

the fancy passes by

never heard of again

miles and miles away

she is a sad pierrot 

waiting for kindness.

Kavini 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS IS FOR YOU MY FRIEND………..

Friend

you walk with me during lull and storm

you hands are there

to wipe tears and to hug

your right words

to guide and to applaud

sakhe your presence I feel every moment of my life.

This is about a good friend of mine. Both our fathers are friends. Though I know his father very well I met him only when we were sixteen.  

My fathers friends used to have get together quite often. It was the first time my friend attended such a gathering. We were already a well settled group of youngsters and one of the older boys in the group took my friend under his wing. 

A couple of us who were serving food decided to initiate him into the gang through a trial by fire. His glass alone was refiled again with salt and water solution. Poor thing he assumed that the water itself tasted like that. The minute he knew that it was a special concoction that was prepared for him humour flashed in his eyes and the ice was broken,  Well he had his revenge when we met at his place the next time. I was made to drink a mixture of coffee and tea.!!!!! Yikes.  To make me drink salt water solution he drank a whole cup to prove to me that it was just plain water.

He loves to drive and when he used to take me in his bike we used to sweep the road at every curve. (He loved to take the curves at a high speed and believed himself to be a formula 1 bike racer).I used to hold on to him  for my dear life.

So many discussions we have had about our dreams, fear, aspirations, likes and dislikes. Many an hour was spent in pleasant discussions.

Life happened and he went to the other end of the world for his higher studies and our life path branched off in different directions and we lost touch. Like the paths in the garden that meanders and keep intersecting our life also kept intersecting. 

There are days, months and years of silence but when we connect it is always like as if we had our last meeting just yesterday. We pick up from where we left off.

There is no demands and expectations from each other but we know that we can depend and trust each other. 

This is for you my friend who sent me a  huge bouquet of roses from US for my marriage and my first dance partner.

We might traverse our own path again but when our paths intersect we will continue our journey for sometime together before life decides to take us else where else.

Thank you my friend.

Kavini

 

YEARNING

I yearn 

for the hugs

that your hands do not give.

 I yearn

for the tender words

that your lips do not utter.

I yearn

for the love

that your heart does not feel.

Kavini

MOONLIGHT DINNER

moonlight dinnerI parked my car near the station and got down. All around me girls were chattering and giggling. I let out a long sigh of longing. They were so care free that it made me sigh with longing again. I was also like them once, so full of life and bubbling with joy. I was so sure of myself and what I wanted from life.

I followed a group of giggling girls on their way to the college. It was the same route I took some fifteen years ago. There were totally four of us. Karen, who loved to enjoy life, found that her true vocation was serving god, became a nun. Kamini, the timid one who was once so scared to speak to any strangers is setting up business deals in a jiffy. Madhu who scorned at the idea of love fell in love with her brother’s friend and is in the United States. I got married immediately after I completed my under graduation and am the mother of precocious twins.

I came back to my car filled with nostalgia. What have I achieved in this trip down the memory lane except pain? I drove the car like an automaton and did not really notice where I was till the watchman of the apartment block where we stayed knocked on the window. With a start I looked around and took a bearing of my surroundings. “Get a grip Nandita”, I admonished myself.

I let myself into the apartment and flopped down on a chair after fetching my college photo album. I looked at the bunch of girls grinning in the photograph. Karen now enjoys her life by helping others. Kamini though timid has an eye for organizing things and has an obsession for perfection. Madhu though scoffed at the idea of love marriages is very much in love with her husband. When I spoke to them all last month they were all happy and content and doing what they wanted. The same cannot be said about me, I thought. I always wanted to be a home maker, the core of the family. My interest in decorating houses comes next to my family. Many of my friends and Pramod’s family wanted me to decorate their house for them. His cousin even went to the extent of saying that I could pursue it as a career and that he would back me up financially. I did not want to devote my time and energy in anything other than my family. I wanted to be there for my family anywhere and any time.

I did not make any unnecessary demands on my family as my mom made. We had to give up one night a week for her moonlight dinners even though we might have had other important engagements. We always had to cancel. My dad used to say that “lets indulge her”. I wanted to be liberal with my children and always stood behind the screen so that I might step in whenever my kids wanted me and never impose my self on them when they did not need me. I wrung my hands in despair, trying to find out exactly where I went wrong.

It all started yesterday. It was my wedding anniversary. I wanted to spend the day with my family as it was a holiday. I announced it to them over breakfast only to be met with an uneasy smile.
“Mom I am going for shopping with Megha for her birthday”, that was my daughter Shreya.
“Mom I’m off to Vinnet’s place they have got a new DVD and we are going to watch some awfully good movies”, that was my son Shreyas. I looked at my hubby Pramod who was looking guilty.
“Er… Nandita I am off to party given by Sanjay and it is a bachelor’s party.”
I couldn’t believe what I heard. My husband was saying that he wanted to spend our wedding anniversary with his friends.

I blurted out, “You guys could have discussed with me before you made any plans right. I wanted to spend the day with you”, with pain.
My son looked at me peculiarly and said,” Mom, you never used to bother so what’s the big deal now”.

And they all started to leave pretending as though they couldn’t see the pain that was evident in my face. On top of it Pramod didn’t even wish me. I thought he might surprise me later. My daughter was the last to leave as her friend Megha came to pick her up. When Megha came I offered her a piece of cake that I had baked and left them alone.

In the kitchen I over heard them talking.
“What’s the occasion for the cake Shreya?’
“It’s my parents wedding anniversary Megha”
“Then you’ll want to spend the day with them. I can understand that. We can go for shopping another day”
“Oh no its okay. My mom and I do not have anything much in common to talk about. And any way she will not mind”.

I was a bit hurt when she said that. And the passing remark of my daughter to her friend before she shut the door hurt me the most, “…just a house wife”. “Serves you right”, I scolded myself. Eaves droppers do not hear anything good about themselves.

To top it all Pramod came that evening without as much as a bouquet of flowers and promptly fell asleep. I spent a sleepless and depressed night.

Today morning over the breakfast table I kept very quite hoping that someone might notice. My silence went unnoticed. Pramod absent mindedly pecked my cheek and went on. When I thought about all these it made me realize that I was being taken for granted by my family. Even when we were at home there was no sense of belonging between us. My kids and my hubby had a sense of bond among themselves but not with me. I was just like a piece of furniture.

I shook my head at the way the trains of thoughts were progressing. My family loved me I was sure of that. Only that they have forgotten that I am a person with my own ideas and feelings. And may be with reason too?

All of a sudden I remembered the conversation that I had with Madhu when she visited India last month. She was staying with us for a couple of days. Though I enjoyed having her with me I envied the easy rapport my children had with her. Even Pramod discussed things with her. I even told her how I felt about that. And Madhu’s reply still echoes in my ears, “well Nandita they might have thought that you might not like it”. I was dumbfounded by her reply. She even went on to say that my family was taking me for granted and my idea of staying in the background was not good enough. She said that I was too accommodative. I wanted to ask her what she really meant by that but unfortunately we were not able to continue that conversation as her husband came in at that moment. She left shortly after that and I was not able to discuss it with her further. But the discussion I had with Madhu kept on worrying me.

I realized then that in the past one month I was subconsciously trying to find out whether Madhu’s observation was true. With a bitter taste in my mouth I realized that she was telling the truth which I had lamentably failed to recognize. I thought I was being very liberal with my family only to find that I have failed miserably. It felt as if I only exist for them like a piece of furniture and I didn’t even know what my children thought about me. After a lot of self analysis I found that that I hadn’t realized that my family was drifting away from me. I couldn’t even remember the last time Pramod and I went out for dinner.

I thought about my childhood and realized that my mother played a prominent role in whatever discussions we had. And I realized that we were a close knit family. My uneducated mother was able to hold the family close where as me, with my fancy ideas was not able to hold my family together. I had become a piece of furniture to them. We could not treat my mother like that and get away with it. I did not know where to begin to clean the mess that I have made of my life. It was my fault.

I got this sudden urge to talk to my mother. She was real surprised to see me at her door step. She took one look at me, got me a glass of my favourite juice and sat down next to me. I just poured down my misery to her and broke down. She let me cry and get it out of my system. She helped me to wash my face and after I had calmed down considerably she said in a gentle voice, “Try having a moonlight dinner dear”. I looked at her as if she was out of mind. I did not want to do it as I detested it. Then slowly I thought again. I did not detest the idea as I foolishly believed so. I thought about it leisurely and found that, that the moonlight dinners were one of the best things that happened to me at home. I used to fight with my brother, discuss things with my father and I used to get my opinion about so many things from my mom. She was holding the family together and did it so subtly. She saw to that we understood that she was a one to be reckoned with. Foolishly I thought that those dinners were a waste of time while they have been the most stimulating ones as my mom started to point out to me that all the important decisions about my life were taken during those dinners.

As my mom watched over me I began to trace back the events to find out how things have deteriorated enough to this extent. It has been happening for the past five or six years. Whenever Pramod was disturbed I used to maintain a distance feeling that if he wanted to may be he would tell me and that he needed the privacy. It did not strike me that it might be misunderstood as that I do not care. And I had let my children get away with treating me as if I do not mater to them that much. Some how, I have given a message to my family that it was okay for them to ignore me and it did not bother me if they did not want to spend time with me.

I had a heart to heart talk with my mother and it was very clear in my mind what I was going to do. Once I reached home I called Pramod’s cousin and told him that I was interested in his business offer. It was also decided that I should get a certificate in Interior decoration. That night when my family came to the dinning table from their respective rooms for dinner they found an empty table.

I told them in a no nonsense tone, “from here onwards every Saturday of the week the dinner will be at the terrace. We will call it the moon light dinner”. My daughter looked as if she was going to argue. I continued in a stern tone, “I do not want any arguments about it. And I will not be available at home during the day time as I am going for classes.” They had nothing to say as they tried to come to terms with the different person they were looking at. They were bemused through out dinner and when Pramod slipped his hands around my waist in such a tender fashion which he had not done in a long time I was sure everything was going to be al right. My moonlight dinner was going to be a success as it was for my mom.

Kavivni

KRISHNA —–MY FRIEND

From a  very young age I have been fascinated by Lord Krishna.

The story of Krishna was all around me when I grew up, so you can say that I was immersed in stories of Krishna right from a young age.

The Krishna— who stole butter, who broke the water pots of the Gopikas, who showed the entire universe to his mother in his mouth, who stole the dresses of the Gopikas, who lifted the Govarthana mountain to save the people of Vrindavan, who killed the evil king Kamsa to liberate the people of Mathura, who became the charioteer for Arjuna during the Kurukshetra war  and who gave us the Bhagavath Gita.

How many stories have I heard about him that spoke about his love, valour, kindness, the list is endless.

A few days back I went to ISKON, International Society  for  Krishna Consciousness. Dusk was setting in, the birds were rushing back home. It was the time for the evening pooja(Prayer). A gentle breeze caressed my cheeks as people around me hurried into the temple.

I climbed a few steps and suddenly felt dizzy, I think it must have been my blood pressure that plummeted down to its lowest ebb. My husband who was worried about my pallor immediately rushed to my side  and wanted me to sit down on the steps.

Something egged me on, I did not want to sit down any where. I wanted to get inside HIS temple.

The chant of the prayer accosted my ears and my heart began to beat to the music that filled my entire being. The sound of the conches reverberated around the room.   

I stood in front of his idol and eyes that were filled with love and benevolence bore into me. At that moment all the thoughts that has been running in my mind, all the insecurities and all the pain was washed away only to be left with one notion alone—Surrender. 

I surrendered unto him and the whole of my being was filled with him. There was nothing else in my heart and soul. It was as if a lamp was lit in my heart which chased away the darkness and filled every nook and corner with his being.

Tears flew unchecked from my eyes. The eyes are the the windows to a soul. My soul which was overwhelmed by the benevolence that was bestowed on it expressed it through my eyes . I stood there with tears flowing down my cheeks, it seemed like an eternity but it was a matter of few minutes. 

Finally I sensed my worried husband sitting next to me and asking me whether everything was okay.

He decided to classify this experience as a result of being dizzy and moved by the chants and the general atmosphere of the temple.

On the other hand I was the one who experienced that moment of surrender and his blessing. I do not know whether I will experience it again but I know this, HE is always there and people who surrender to him with out any reservations and inhibitions can feel him and see him as I did.

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