When you experience loss, people say you’ll move through the 5 stages of grief….
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
….. What they don’t tell you is that you’ll cycle through them all every day.”
― Ranata Suzuki
Everyone who came into this world experience the loss of a loved ones in their lives. Some experience it early on, some later however there is no escape from the clutches of death that robs a loved one from us.
I lost my dad, larger than life persona, my philosopher and Guide a few months back and still am going through these stages of grieving.
A friend said, go through the process , let go of yourself in it, then you will heal. Will I ever?
He was sick for six months before he left us bereft. He was not bed ridden, though he was hospitalized often as his liver gave up on him, he was active till the last day. HE got admitted one morning , the next morning everything was over.
The specialists used marvel at his will power, with three hospitalizations within six months, the first one extending almost to twenty days never once did he say,”Why me?” . He might have been upset or depressed , but never once let his cheer down.
After his last hospitalization the specialist said,” when you admitted him the first time, his life expectancy was only 6 months, but I am amazed at his will power,lets prepare him for a liver transplant and he will be with us for some more years.”
He left us fifteen to twenty days after those words.(Thank God he did not hear those words).
People who cared said, “At least, he did not suffer”
“You need to be strong for your mom and your children”
“He wouldn’t like to see you cry”
“He is in a better place”
But,
He was my dad, my hero…….
He left a vacuum in my life that cannot be filled by anything else. His memories will live forever in our hearts however they are not the replacements for him. They are nothing but shadow of a vibrant man.
DENIAL: When he was in the ICU battling for his life, when the doctors told us the fact that he was slipping away from us, I kept telling everyone,”My dad has amazing will power. HE will pull through this. ” I was in denial. When the last rites were being performed, it was surrealistic. I expected him to get up and say,” Don’t worry my dear”. How will I go on without him? Very decision of mine was always taken after consulting with him. Any issues that I faced, he was my spring board. How will go on ?
ANGER: I was angry at everyone and everything including my father. Who gave him the right to ditch us and go? Why did he smoke? Why did he have that extra drink sometimes? What right people had to say that .”this too shall pass” I did not want it to pass. What right people had to say that I have to stop remembering him and move on.
BARGAINING: So many what ifs? May be we did not catch on the symptoms? If only we had noticed his lack of appetite sooner? If only we were worried about his weight gain? If only I had visited him more? So many what Ifs? What if…what if…what if…..
DEPRESSION: If you have not experienced depression no one can explain the helplessness, despondency and the loneliness. Nothing had meaning in life, the career, husband ,children friends or hobbies. NOTHING!!!!!! I was and am in so much pain…… and no one noticed me sinking in pain.
The said stages …..it cannot be experienced in a linear fashion. I slip in and out of it…….
ACCEPTANCE: I haven’t reached there yet…
I am that person who says”Coz my daddy said……..”
Love you dad….
Kavini
MUSINGS 